The cloudiness makes it difficult to begin. The loop is like the florescent words broadcasting on the downtown office. Where does this leave me? Indecisive. Watching the darkness swirl around and turning when I have exhausted. Oh those florescent lights.
I said I didn’t want you anymore, that I didn’t like you. I feel regret for not feeling the excitement. The isolation is less desirable and sometimes I think that others are in disbelief. This is something that we just deal with, just part of the experience. I feel worthless and helpless and hostage to my own body. Is this why it is hard to be happy? I’m a victim to my own symptoms? I know that when I awake it will start all over again. I’m a prisoner to what’s growing and feeding the life we created. I am strong, but not this strong. My throat is burnt, my muscles are sore. Every heave makes the pain more unbearable and no matter how much I beg it to stop, it wont. I am afraid. I feel broken. My mind is broken.
I’m Ava. I’m a thirty something momma with a 3 year old and currently 9 weeks pregnant with my second. I won’t write anything profound or brilliant here. I will probably use incorrect spelling and punctuation. This is just a means to record my journey and somehow organize my thoughts. I am just ordinary.